I'm really getting nervous about the Tilt Table Test tomorrow!!!! It's kind of ironic really that I'm afraid it will be a horrible, painful, exhausting process and that my results will be strongly indicative of POTS ; but equally, scared that all the results will be perfectly normal and they'll say I'm absolutely fine!
It's the default thought pattern I go to with things like this. From what I've read on other blogs in the ME & Dysautonomia community, it seems to be fairly normal for us to feel that way - and it makes sense if you think about it. Our medical histories are splattered with complex symptomology, doctors who didn't understand or believe us, and tests with normal or borderline results. (In main because they generally don't give us the right tests, particularly in the UK where doctors are actually taught not to order medical tests for their ME patients!!) So our default feelings about such things are fear and trepidation that once again we won't be believed - no matter how much we know we are extremely ill and really need help. In this specific case, I am as certain as I can be that I have POTS, because a) my symptoms so obviously match up, and b) the poor man's tilt table test showed very obvious results that could only really mean POTS so far as I'm aware. But I still don't trust the hands of doctors, after so many years of facing ignorance and prejudice. And in all honesty, I can't say I blame me!!
Can I just hide instead of going, tomorrow???
|photo by Annemarie Vriends||via PhotoRee|
I'm so worried that not only will this tilt table be a massive physical challenge, but also that it will trigger my abuse issues while it's at it!! Being so out of control, strapped to a table, is not my idea of fun, put it that way! (Though I believe my arms will be free, thank god!!! Being completely pinned down and totally vulnerable would be too much!) I'm also so relieved that Anna will be there with me - I don't think I could handle it alone, and I hope she knows how grateful I am that she's taking a day off uni, where she's only just begun her PhD two weeks ago! Another plus is that we were able to organise an ambulance transport for tomorrow, so hopefully that will make things easier.
Sigh. Anyway - just a teeny tiny post this time (well, by my rambling standards anyway, lol!!) as I'm not having a great week. I had to come off the salt tablets because the side affects were just getting worse and worse, and well, I guess they were helping to some extent, because I've been pretty much floored for several days now. I'm going to try to get some advise about it when I'm at the clinic tomorrow, though I'm not scheduled for an actual consultation with any of the doctors while I'm there - at least, not to my knowledge.
I hope you're all doing ok, and looking after yourselves. I know so many of us have been affected over the last couple of weeks both by the death of Amberlin Wu, who was a big part of this community and friend to many of my friends, though I didn't know her very well myself - and by everything going on at the Whittemore Peterson Institute. It's really been a horrible time, and I'm thinking of you all. x ♡ x
Update : 16th Oct
I didn't have the tilt table test in the end, because their computer decided it wasn't going to play nice and wouldn't work. I posted an update here : The Law of Sod!
I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)