Fears and Potential

I'm a little freaked out by something that happened this week.

I've been needing to take naps during my usual waking hours (night-time) for the last few weeks, now. I'd almost go so far as to say that I feel like my balance is tipping back towards hypersomnia, after several years of generally more healthy sleeping patterns, with bouts of insomnia... Except that I've still had days recently when I've struggled with insomnia during the daytime, too.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, I very suddenly really needed to go to sleep, and just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. (something which is not unusual right now) But as soon as I settled down, I began to have paralysis episodes, where I couldn't breathe or move for a little while, then would fall asleep, then jump wake again suddenly with the same issue. This happened several times in a cycle over about an hour, and i couldn't pull myself out of it... then just as suddenly, I was able to wake up properly again.

What is worrying me is not so much the episode itself, (though I can't deny it was frightening!) but the fact that I've experienced it before, just not for several years, since the worst period so far in my illness. (In fact I have quite a few symptoms cropping up which I haven't had since that time and I'm really concerned at what that might mean.) The period in question was when I was having both these 'sleep paralysis' episodes on a frequent basis, and also full or partial body paralysis sometimes lasting hours, often for days or more. At that time I required near to total care from my carer the majority of the time. I never want to go back to that level of severity and honestly, it's kind of frightening that I am beginning to re-experience some of those symptoms which I've been free from in over 4 years now!

photo by Meredith_Farmer	via PhotoRee

It's particularly horrible given my current lack of medical support... although I guess the truth is that I didn't have much support the first time around either, plus, much less knowledge personally about my illness! I was at the time seeing an ME specialist who (although working in a clinic where the treatment options were only graded exercise and cognitive behavioural therapy) had enough knowledge of and belief in the physical symptoms of M.E. that he was able to to tell me that yes, these symptoms were found within the realms of severe ME. However no tests or assessments were arranged and I didn't have the self-confidence, knowledge, or energy to push for more. I was just grateful not to be told I was crazy - and at least I had someone who KNEW, you know???

I know that the only thing I can really do right now to try and stop things getting any worse, is to listen to my body's limits as much as possible, and rest when it tells me to - but that's just so incredibly frustrating!! I can't go back to where I was - I'm struggling to cope both physically and emotionally as it is, as is my carer. I just don't think I ... we, can go through that again. - especially now that I'm not living in my own home with just me and Anna anymore. I honestly can't imagine dealing with all that in a more public setting, even though it is family members.

I know I need to be as positive as possible, and hope for the best, but I also feel it would be foolish not to see the reality of my situation at the same time, to do what little I can both to prepare for it, AND to avoid it! Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is, after all, a waxing and waning illness. I haven't ever had a complete remission in the last 16 years, and I've been severe for 8 years, which statistically gives me a smaller chance of getting better and a greater chance of getting worse. Having no real medical care also goes against me as so many of my associated symptoms and illnesses are getting worse when it doesn't necessarily need to be the case.

So... The plan..?

Try not to let myself get too scared.
Don't bottle up my feelings because that only makes it harder not to be scared!
Rest, rest, rest!!
Try to resolve this GP situation and get myself some domicilliary care as soon as possible - if possible!
Rest, rest, rest!!!!!

If anyone has any better ideas, useful advice or info, or any thoughts in general, please let me know! :)

On the plus side, apparently my liaison at our GP surgery has been working on sorting out my situation there. She's meeting with the practice manager this week, then my carer is seeing my new dr on my behalf and then apparently I will be discussed in the next practice meeting. (kind of scary all this going on without any direct input from me, but it's got the potential to be the most positive thing that's happened in years in terms of my medical care, so I just have to let it roll and see how things pan out!

I wouldn't often ask this, but if you pray, please could you send some up for me? Not only for this situation to work out as well as it possibly can, and that I start getting some real and available medical care ... but for me, to not give up on hope and to have the strength to keep fighting this minute by minute fight. I really need this to work out because otherwise I really will be left with no medical care whatsoever, sigh! Thanks guys - you really are the best!!!!

This beautiful image, 'Birds of Hope' is by Cornelia Kopp	via PhotoRee

"Sometimes in the darkness, while wolves howl and we feel the cold touch of fear against our spine, a faraway light glimmers Sometimes in the press and the chaos of the crowd, in the noise and the hurry, a soft voice whispers. That light, that voice, is Hope. Sometimes we feel as though trying to catch hold of it is like trying to dance with clouds or turn lead to gold, but its always there waiting to suddenly appear right in front of us. within our reach." Poem by Sarah-Louise Jordan, used with permission and much thanks! Sarah has two blogs which I highly recommend you visit. The first, 'On a Long Road, Take Small Steps' is about her long journey with Severe Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. The Second, 'Life is Uncertain, Eat Dessert First' is her poetry blog - and I have to say, she is genuinely a talented poet & writer!!

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

Fears and Potential

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The Saga (and I) Continue Wearily On

Things have gone from bad to worse with my GP issues, as I told you in my last post... And I have to say that I'm sick to my back teeth of talking about it, and thinking about it... round and round my head in circles that never go anywhere and can't resolve anything - but I know I can't stop yet because that means fully giving up.


To recap, my GP, in a sudden, dramatic, and unexpected move, has left the surgery. The patients (including myself and a large majority of the other 'vulnerable patients' who attend this surgery) are lost, and the staff are confused and shocked. She did no official handover to another doctor, so none of the other GP's know our situations or histories past what they can see in our notes. The surgery almost always refuse to do home visits, and I can barely get to my bathroom, never mind to the surgery, so how am I meant to get to know and trust another doctor, and they me? It's a ridiculous situation and one that just shouldn't happen short of the unexpected death of your doctor!)


Anna is currently trying to arrange to meet with the doctor who seems the best replacement & the practice manager, to figure out a way forward, but it's not fair to her that she's having to do something so stressful at a time when her health and her (severe) PTSD are flaring up badly, and when she's also having to adjust to this new dr herself, whilst dealing with a long term as yet undiagnosed health issue. I'm almost more angry about that than anything else, given how much Anna was already struggling, and the tendency of Dr's in the uk to presume a psychological cause for physical illness where a psychological issue already exists, as if they don't realise that, for example,  someone who is depressed or is Bipolar, can also develop MS or Cancer!! (really, how closed minded do you have to be to think that way???) Of course, I'm also now open to that kind of re-interpretation of my illness, which is probably my worst fear in all this. We know nothing about what kind of person this new Dr is, or what he knows or believes about ME... And that's just terrifying! My previous dr may have been borderline or actually neglectful, but at least she didn't try to force me into unhealthy, psychological treatments! There was some level of safety in that.


Complicating issues even further, I need this doctor to communicate with my Gynae doctor about my current condition. The manager over at that clinic thinks that I should get the Hysteroscopy (Did I tell you I need one? I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome which has been really flaring up over the last two years, and they want to check that nothing else is going on) done under anaesthetic, because among other issues, it would probably be impossible and definitely be extremely painful and difficult, to hold my legs up in stirrups for the length of time the op takes. However the consultant won't agree to this course of action before he has seen me to assess my condition. Anna has talked to the manager and let her know that if they insist on my going in to see him again just for that, that means 3 visits back to the hospital essentially just for one operation, (I will have to see the anaesthesiologist too, you see) which would mean double the exhaustion and recovery for me. She totally understood and suggested that if I can get my GP to contact the consultant stating that he believes I will need the anaesthetic, then that might suffice. Of course, my GP has never even met me, so how can he do this?? Even worse, he is currently on a 3 week holiday, so everything is completely on hold! So frustrating!!! The one hope I have is that I've requested a copy of the medical report the DWP doctor filled in for my recent DLA reassessment. Considering that I got the highest level possible in that benefit, we're thinking the medical report must have been a really good one. I'm hoping beyond hope that it is, and that we can use it to prove my case somewhat to my new GP and even to the Gynaecologist, if necessary. Seems so funny to me to be pinning hope on such a thing, since similar reports about me have in the past been terribly negative and presumed me to be a malingering liar. There's irony for you!


I opened my Blogger app wanting to write something uplifting and hopeful, but I found that I just don't have it in me, you know? I feel really flat and tired, emotionally. I've had enough of all this fighting. Every day is a struggle just to eat, sleep, get to the bathroom, brush my teeth, ignore the pain, and not go completely crazy trying - and I have little left over to figure out a way through this huge setback. It's just too much. Some days, hope, happiness & health feel so far away that it's like they exist in one reality and I in another. Things really shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't be alone in this! Doctors's should be a safe haven who care for and support us - not something to be feared. I can only hope and pray for all of us that one day, that will be our reality - preferably before this illness affects yet another generation!!

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Oh hey, not to end on such a tragic note, here's a piece of sage wisdom and a reason to hope, imbued in me by reading Blackout by Mira Grant, & Alison Hewitt is Trapped by Madeleine Roux over the last week. Things could always be worse. We could be surrounded by a zombie hoard, just waiting for the chance to eat us! ;) There ya go. My work here is done! Way to rally, Susannah! ;)

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

The Saga (and I) Continue Wearily On

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The Universe Just Keeps on Giving! :P

Unfortunately, those gifts just aren't always good!!! Sigh.

We just found out today that my GP has suddenly up and left the surgery, with no warning whatsoever to patients (and according to my liaison at the surgery, it was a complete shock to the staff there, too!) and no obvious dr to switch to within the practice, for those patients who only ever saw the Dr who has left, because she was easily the best Dr in the practice and one of the better Dr's in the area.

I have had my problems with this Dr, but most of them were as a result of the area we live in and the restraints of the practice she worked for, rather than her being a really bad doctor ... But despite all that, I'm feeling a bit panicked about this situation!! She was the only Dr there who knows anything really about my condition, and about our situation here at home. (and how would a new GP get to know me when they refuse to do home visits 99% of the time, and I cannot get to the surgery???) She was also treating Anna who has been very ill for a couple of years, again with quite a complex condition. (Anna has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, too, and really relied on our doctor to be sensitive to that. She's been crying on and off all day, she's so upset about this - which makes me so mad, I can't even tell you!!!) I know, too, that the Dr treated quite a few other very vulnerable patients, so she has left us all very much in the lurch. I feel really quite angry that she gave us no warning at all, and that she apparently hasn't formally handed us over to any other doctor. To me, that is really, really unprofessional!! She was the only Dr I had even a small amount of trust in at the surgery ... And I honestly have no idea what Anna and I are going to do now!! I was invisible enough already at my practice and now, presumably, there will be no-one looking out for me at all! I've rarely even met any of the other doctors!! I just feel so numb about it all. Neither I nor Anna have the emotional or physical energy to deal with this - there's enough to cope with already!

There isn't really any good surgeries in this run down inner city area, so it's not even like things would necessarily get any better if we picked up and moved to one of the other practices - and it's kind of like playing Russian Roulette because you really have no idea what the doctors are actually like until you switch to their practice. (It's not like in America where you can really pick and choose your doctors, and go to meet them before you transfer to their surgery, etc.) It's not such a problem in the wealthier areas of the country, but it can be a serious issue in the poorer areas because the NHS doesn't dole out the money fairly across the country, and because many of the good GP's refuse to work in the run down areas of the country.

I really feel like I just faded a little bit more ... like I was hidden in deeper shadow from the outside world, and I have no idea how to become visible again. :(

'A Fading Girl' by Sarah Allegra, Used With Permission.

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

The Universe Just Keeps on Giving! :P

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If That's What it's Like to be 'Normal', I Want it!!!

I can't believe it's taken me almost 3 weeks to update you guys on my appointment at the Women's Hospital! Yikes! I've been basically floored (well, more accurately, 'bedded' - but since that sounds rather um, rude, I'll move swiftly along....! ) by having to go out. As those of you who are friends with me on Facebook may know, my appointment fell on the day after the first night of (ridiculous & pointless!!) rioting in Liverpool. The areas all around the hospital, and the area I live were the worst affected in the whole city. Overnight, we were concerned that we may not be able to safely reach the hospital, but by morning, the streets were cleared, opened, and settled again, (though there was lots of broken glass, fire engines, and many cars had obviously been vandalised or set fire to) and we managed to get to the hospital with no problems at all. Phew. (Can I just say, I was really proud of the way our city reacted to the riots - there was a citizen organised clean up operation set up on facebook as the violence broke out on the first night, and hundreds of people arrived first thing in the morning to clean up the streets! There's a real sense of community in Liverpool, which most people from outside our city would be surprised by, given our unfair reputation!)

My Orthostatic Intolerance (specifics as yet undiagnosed, but almost certainly POTS) poses quite a problem nowadays when I have to leave my bed for any length of time, because standing and sitting cause my blood pressure and pulse to rise rapidly to fairly dangerous levels. The hospital is only a few minutes away by car, but factoring in the sitting I would need to do at the hospital, the only safe way to get there is to lie down in the back seat of the car. (We were unable to get an ambulance, because my GP didn't send the hospital the information they needed until the very last minute, despite several attempts by the hospital to contact her, meaning that the appointment wasn't confirmed until the Friday, leaving no time to arrange it!! Thankfully, my dad agreed to drive me there and back, despite him having to also take my mum to and from the Royal for her Velcade treatment on the same day!) It doesn't feel especially safe being in a car with no seatbelt, and I get car sick ... but I'm left with little choice in the matter.

The staff at the hospital were all really lovely, & amazingly even found a spare room/exam table for me to lie on during the hour I was waiting to be seen. Uncomfortable, but at least my pulse stayed relatively stable, and it was much quieter than it was in the large waiting room. They even turned the light off for me. (Light intolerance and the resulting pain in my eyes was definitely the worst thing about the trip, actually, which surprised me somewhat! I had sunglasses once I got there, and I wore an eyemask in the car, but honestly I felt very embarrased about it all!) I also find that the effort of getting ready to go out, being driven to the hospital, wheeled to the unit in my chair, dealing with all the light & noise & sensory overload ... then lying for an hour on the hard exam bed, did really slow down my cognitive function very significantly, and I was finding it really hard to think and communicate by the time my appointment actually came around. I think my speech was quite slow and slurred too, which was embarrassing and frustrating. I'm just glad Anna was there to communicate for me when my own words failed!!

I saw the clinical nurse specialist, who was very nice and very respectful of my ME & the issues it causes, though it seemed like she was rather surprised at how badly I was affected. (I'm sure she doesn't get many patients who can't handle light, lol) She took a history, did an exam etc, then I had some bloods taken. I'll have to go back once the results come in - it probably won't be till October, which is ok by me because I have the Cardiology appointment in September, and I'm not sure I could handle two appointments in one month!. The Nurse Specialist thinks it's more than likely that my symptoms are being caused by the PCOS being totally out of control, but there's a chance other things are going on. (I have an increased risk of various cancers, for instance)

I would normally have had to have a scan at a separate appointment, but I was brave enough to ask if there was any chance at all that I might be able to have one that day. She rang round to the xray dept on the off chance, and amazingly, they said 'yes, come straight round and we'll fit you in'!! Apparently that literally never happens! I think they had, had some cancellations because of the riots. (So at least that stupid situation had SOME use then! Lol!) I was so relieved they were able and willing to fit me in, because even though it made that particular appointment longer, it means one less outing over the next few weeks, which will make a massive difference to the potential for short or long-term relapse caused by all this activity!!! One of the big concerns, and reasons why I had to get a scan, was that I may have developed Endometriosis, which is always a possibility because of my PCOS, but the scan didn't show any obvious signs of that according to the radiologist doing the scan, so that's one huge weight off my mind!

However, kind of scarily for someone in my situation, there's a chance I may have to have a Hysteroscopy, depending on the results of the various tests I had at this appointment. The nurse was aware of the risks of my having a general anaesthetic, (The procedure she has in mind would normally be done under general) and said there are various options we could look at - none of them very pleasant, all of them pretty scary (!) - so I really don't know what I would do about that if it's necessary. I'm gonna have to do some research before my next appointment so I know the implications of those different options. (Anyone know much about these kinds of issues for ME patients??) Honestly I think I just have to hope upon hope that she decides it won't be necessary, because I don't know if I could risk a general anaesthetic, and without it the procedure would be pretty horrible. Either way, even as a day patient, it could have huge implications for my ME, as well. Even looking at just the thought of being in the hospital for a full day is pretty overwhelming, and would be incredibly difficult for me for so many reasons ... and that's without even going into the procedure itself, and the recovery period. However, I can't do much about it ... if it does end up being necessary, then I'll just have to cross that scary bridge when I come to it!

All in all it, the visit went about as well as it could have, I think. The unit really did try to accomodate my needs, which made things so much easier - and was a really nice change from the norm! The nurse was really shocked when I told her about the situation with my GP not making home visits, etc. (This was after she had seen the rather shocking list of my symptoms, etc) Everyone was just so nice!!! I just couldn't stop thinking, 'Is this what healthcare is like for 'normal' people?? Being respected and taken care of. Treated with kindness and compassion. Your needs being heard and effort being made to accommodate them. Not having to fight for every little thing you need. Not feeling like you are just an irritation to the staff. Not feeling like you have to fight to get people to even believe that you're really ill. Not having to justify & explain yourself & your illness & disability. Just being accepted and validated as a human being who is genuinely very ill. The truth is that the comparison between this experience, and the now normal-to-me experience of having to constantly fight a system which is doing it's best to make you feel like you are nothing, nobody ... it's just utterly shocking. It really highlights just how bad things are for me ... for so many of us. It seems really sad to me, when I think about it, that it would be a surprise - a shock even, for someone when they are simply treated with a normal amount of respect and compassion!

I've definitely had a rise in symptoms since the appointment, my pain especially has been pretty bad, and I've been feeling sort of numb, cognitively - but none of it has been as bad as it could've been had I not been able to lie down at the hospital. I feel like that made all the difference between it being extremely difficult, and an absolute nightmare! I feel it also made a difference that I rested so much in the couple of weeks before this appointment, and I'm going to have to keep to that over the next couple of months too, with a minimum of two more appointments to come. (It's unbelievably frustrating though to not be able to be online and communicate with friends!!!) Now I can only hope that the cardiology unit I have to go to next month will be as understanding & helpful!!

It was very strange going back to the hospital where I used to work as a NICU nurse. It's been so long since I was last there, and it all felt slightly unreal, like some kind of weird out of body experience! (Probably not helped by the kind of tunnel vision effect I got because of the combination of sensory overload & cognitive 'slowness'.) It really does feel like the me who was a nurse was a different me ... someone I barely even recognise anymore. A different lifetime and a different me. Different ... yet, somehow, at the same time, still exactly the same!

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

If That's What it's Like to be 'Normal', I Want it!!!

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Adjusting The Sails

( Updated and Extended, on August 14th )

I'm lying here feeling .... welll, honestly, I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I'm fairly sure that this post is going to be somewhat of  a rant ... a gush of feelings that have been brewing inside me for so long, I feel like I'm going to go mad if I don't get them out. I just have to write!!!

Sometimes it's really difficult to figure out what it is that I'm feeling!!! Everything gets so overwhelming, and it makes it hard to process things, and to pick out & identify individual emotions.

 My whole body is pulsing with twitches, spasms, buzzing & a sort of pulsing - and I've spent most of the last few hours barely able to move. Barely able to even think, through the pulsing.

I feel that I'm a really gloomy person when I feel, and especially when I post, like this. I'm very aware that I need to find the peace and the joy that comes with finding something to hope on once again... but its alluding me right now. I'm not depressed I don't think - not any more than anyone dealing with my kind of life and situation wuld be. But I am really overwhelmed right now - there's just too much happening all at once. New scary symptoms, flare ups, stuff going wrong at home, the issues (ongoing) with my doctor, who still hasn't delivered on promises ... and now various appointments to sort out and to somehow find a way to get through without ending up in a full blown relapse. On top of that we found a lump on my beautiful dog Jessa, yesterday, so she has to go to the vets (without me!!) today. :( I can't even do that, and it makes me feel so useless!!! To be honest, (big tough me is about to admit that ...) I'm scared, and I feel small and once again,  on a running theme, invisible. Nothing seems to be going right, or easily. (Gosh I have so much to tell you guys and I don't even know where to start! I can't do it now anyway. I'm surprised i've been able to keep writing for this long!)

I'm feeling so frustrated with myself, too. So utterly useless. I can't manage to do any of the million and one things that need doing... and unless you've been there, no-one can know just how hard that actually is. Lying in bed all day is not all it's cracked up to be!! I really, really hate watching Anna (my carer) struggle to do things for me, and I can't even help. I feel like a waste of space too much of the time.

You know what I hate about M.E.?? I hate that you can never fully adjust to it.
You can never get used to it, because suddenly, bam!!!! something else, some new symptom, changed intensity, or new disability hits you full in the face, and you have to statrt adjusting and coping all over again. 

Blowing Away by Jon McGovern

On top of all that, yesterday I had a full on, in my face, flashback of my ex husband attacking me. (I'm a survivor of domestic abuse, for those of you new to this blog) Just what I needed to get through the day, huh? Honestly, I thought I'd pretty much got over what he'd done to me, and all the fallout from the years of abuse, and other people's reactions to it - but this flashback was pretty intense and afterwards I felt broken. Heartbroken. That was the man I had loved, but he used me and he hurt me. So on top of being overwhelmed, scared, and everything else - now added to the mix is a grief so massive that I feel like I'm breaking into tiny pieces and being flung to the wind. All over again!

Recently it seems like I keep putting my hope in things, trying to find someone or something that can help ... but my hope gets hit every time and then the only things to do are either give in to depression and panic, (which I'm simply not willing to do!) or find something new to hope into. But I know I'm strong enough to get through all this - and whatever else life throws at me. I have up until now! Afterall, I have Anna, my best friend in the whole world, fighting my corner and caring for me instead of going off to live her own dreams. I have some amazing online friends, who have got me through so much over the years! I have my dogs. And a family who loves me even though they don't really understand and can't really deal with it all. And I have the online ME community, which is also making such a difference in my life. Perhaps those things are the only hope I need right now, they're sure strong enough positive's .... afterall, there are so many people out there going through so much more than this. And well, because of the people 'around me', at least I'm now standing up (well, not literally, HA ... ooh, the irony of that statement!) and trying to get the help I so desperately need, and deserve!!!!!!


◦ - - ღ - - - Because I do deserve it. We all do!!!!! - - - ღ - - ◦

And on that note, albeit it something I know in my head but not yet my heart, I'll end this post!

Note : Sorry about all the mess of this post. I'll try to edit out all the typo's etc, tidy it up, maybe add pics, and tag it etc, tomorrow .... somehow i just needed to get this out... though i feel i've done a very poor and very short job of expressing myself.

I think I just needed to speak, to vent as many of the things that are
splintering me, crack by slow crack, as possible .....
for my feelings to not be so invisible as I myself have begun to feel!!

Update : 14th August

Thank God, Jessa is ok! The vet found quite a lot of lumps actually - but they are, as I was hoping, just fatty lumps, which she's had a couple of times before. He doesn't even want to bother removing them right now, and won't, unless they get bigger or start to bother her in some way. So that was a huge relief for us!! :) :) :)

We had my other dog, Kiya, checked out at the same time, and ironically, the story there was more worrying. A while ago, a different vet at the practice found a lump on her liver. Kiya's starting to get old now, and has a lot of really severe skin and immune problems, so we decided (on the info the vet gave us) not to bother doing anything to get it further checked out, because I wouldn't want to put her through any intense treatments as she is going through enough already. However, the vet we saw this week (One of the practice owners) checked the lump for us, and he thinks that it's on her spleen, not her liver. He can't be sure till we get a scan, which we're doing next week - but if it is on her spleen, it would be a fairly simple operation to remove her spleen. A completely different scenario to it being on her liver!!!!

Jessa, on a walk with me & Anna, on a rare holiday to Scotland in 2009

Kiya, curled up behind my knee - she loves to be close to us! In 2010

I'm pretty mad with the vet we saw initially, as this issue could have been sorted months ago ... but then at the same time, I'm so glad that he was probably wrong, because this means that Kiya's life will probably be much longer than I was thinking! Guess we'll have more information after she's had her scan next week. It means a general anaesthetic, (which is always very stressful and worrying for me, because of the risks) but hopefully it'll be worth it - and my dogs usually come out looking less harried than I do, rofl!


I've finally got to adding pictures to this post, and getting rid of all the typo's (sheesh there were a lot!!) - I had hoped to do it the day after I wrote this post, but I've been really struggling to get online, and my cognitive functions have been pretty poor, so that just wasn't gonna happen. Ah well, got there in the end!! :)

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

Adjusting The Sails

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Am I Invisible???

What are you meant to do when you're bedbound and your doctor is ignoring your attempts to contact her?

6 weeks ago, my doctor called me with the results of some blood tests, and about some serious cardiac & gynaecology symptoms I've been having. It had been pretty hard to get in touch with her at the time. My surgery refuses to do home visits for anyone unless they're cancer patients, because they don't have the resources. It's a common phenomenon in some poor inner city areas in the UK especially for people with illnesses like myalgic encephalomyelitis ... but it makes life pretty difficult when you can't leave your house to go to the surgery, and even phonecalls with the doctor are difficult to get about M.E. related issues. Eventually I managed to get a phone consultation with her about a minor infection, (how ironic is that when I have so many more serious things happening??!!??) and I took the opportunity to bring her up to date with more of what was happening with my health, which had led to the blood tests, and her phonecall with the results.

She was apparently very concerned at my vitamin d levels. I'm severely deficient (< 5!) - which is bad as it's probably been going on for years (I've been housebound for 8 years now) and my bones are likely in a serious mess as long term vitamin d deficiency causes Osteomalacia, which is essentially adult rickets. It's also likely that the deficiency is adding to my levels of illness in other ways, such as increased fatigue, pain, and muscle weakness.

We also talked over some serious cardiac & gynae symptoms (See my last post about these issues for more details) I've been having for some time now. She said she was referring me to see the cardiologist & gynaecologist specialists. She said that she would get the paperwork out to me, which I need in order to actually book the appointments - you don't even go on the waiting list until you phone the appointments office with the referral details. She said she was also going to try to get me booked in for 24hour cardiac monitoring before my cardiology appointment so that I'd have that information to take with me.

Additionally, she said she wants to refer me to specialists for bone scans etc because of the vitamin d issue, but would wait on it till I've seen the cardiologist & gynaecologist, because they are 'urgent' referrals (her words!) and I will only be able to cope with so much at once, physically speaking - any appointments outside the house are really major for me. She said that she was going to work out the dosage of vit d i would need (Possibly will need injections) and would call me the next day.

Now, here's the rub. That was 6 weeks ago, as I said, and I've heard nothing from her since, (despite phonecalls from me and my carer to the surgery, and an email from me to her work email address) apart from an acknowledgement that she had received the email, and a promise to reply within 2 days. That was a week and a half ago now!!!

She didn't even send me out the paperwork for the referrals, (though she did put the referrals through) despite phonecalls asking the receptionists to look into it for me, meaning that that's 6 weeks these so called urgent referrals have been put off. I finally received the cardiac appointments paperwork this week - we think the practice nurse may have posted them out - so have been able to go onto waiting list for that apppintment. However, there's still no sign of the gynae paperwork so I can't even get onto the waiting list. As for vitamin d, absolutely nothing is happening, which, considering how freaking worried she was, seems pretty outrageous to me!!!


I really, really don't know what to do now! I feel like I should be very angry ... and I think I am, in some part of my mind ... but mostly I feel really really upset and am losing hope that anything can ever get better with this kind of situation. Hope that I had only just begun to gain back after so many years of being chucked around by the NHS, and losing trust in them to the point that I have rarely seen a doctor over the years I've been severely ill. I really thought that perhaps this doctor would be the one to care enough to give me the treatment any other person with any other illness would automatically get. I guess I was wrong.

Every time I think about all this, I'm tearing up (unusual for me!) and honestly, feeling quite scared to be so alone with such scary symptoms. The cardiac problem especially seems to be getting steadily worse. When I'm upright for a while, like when I have a shower (sitting in my shower chair) my feet are now going so grey/mottled/blue that it's kind of freaking me out - watching that getting worse week by week is the kind of visual aid I can really do without!!! It feels sort of claustrophobic - like I'm trapped in this crappy situation, because there's nothing I can do to make her do the things she promised to do. Nothing I can do to improve this situation. I don't have the energy to fight any harder. :(

I honestly feel that there is no way that this doctor (who's very nice, by the way) would ever treat someone with a different, more accepted illness this way, and it feels so completely unjust and unfair. But there are few options for someone like me in the area I live. It's really hard work to stop myself from falling into hopelessness! I want to be happy and I work to be happy - but this issue makes that fight much, much harder! I feel utterly invisible ... and I'm just so, so tired of having to fight for the simple right to be treated like everyone else.

photo by slurpiesandstraws ☮	via PhotoRee

..... Read the continuing story in this related post : Letter to my GP | The Thing With Feathers

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

Am I Invisible???

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