An Old Year Gone, a New Year Begun!

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I just wanted to take a brief moment to send some new year thoughts the way of you all, my readers & friends.


This has been a difficult and challenging year for me in so many ways, to say the least, but there has been an astonishing saving grace - my blossoming friendships with all of you!! I couldn't begin to know just how hard this year would've been had the ME & chronic illness community not opened it's arms, welcomed me in, and supported me through each of the many, many bumps in the road. (not to mention allowing me the privilege of doing the same for many of you!!) I honestly feel that all I've learned in the last 15yrs, of living from day to day, relying always on hope to strengthen me, might have fallen away if I hadn't had this grounding, and rooting, in our community.

I feel like I've found a new family, & it was the perfect timing, the perfect solution. It's been a long time since I felt so understood and accepted ... and whilst it's kind of a sad sign of our time, that so few of us find that support in our homes, families, work and social groups, I think it's incredible and rather wondrous that people in so much need themselves regularly take the time to encourage, support and love others in need!!!



If there's one resolution most of us probably need to make this year, it's to see the good, the selflessness, the strength and the courage in ourselves and be proud of it! We may be sick & disabled, we may lead very limited lives, society as a whole may think we have little to offer - but darn it, they're wrong!!!! We have so much to give. We are of priceless value, each of us completely and totally unique! So take a moment to look in the mirror, and see the real you - not the you society chooses to see - and be proud of, and yes, even love yourself!!!

"Be Yourself. Everyone Else is Taken!" ~ Oscar Wilde ~

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

An Old Year Gone, a New Year Begun!

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Scared of the Stigma of Being Mentally Ill...??

I'm sitting here thinking about Simon Wessely's much broadcast view that people with ME are simply scared of the stigma of being labelled as mentally ill. That, that is why we won't accept that our illness isn't psychological. I'm considering the oaths that doctors take at the beginnings of their career - and seeing clearly that the psychiatrists who have so terribly treated people with ME have broken almost every one of them in one shape or another. And I'm wondering how much it was those broken oaths that got us to the position where an ME patients' doctor can think that it's ok to neglect to reply to communications for weeks, even months at a time. Where the patients are responsible for their own biological research funded if they ever want to know what's really happening to their bodies, never mind get treatment for it. Where patients and their carer's constantly have to fight to get basic care needs met. Where promises are consistently broken by our medical teams. Worse, where the opinions of the few have become the feelings of the many, via the very clever media manipulations on the subject of M.E., that have been a constant in the UK for decades now, thus negatively affecting our treatment by insurance companies, welfare state, families and the wider society!

Dr's take an oath to do no harm - in fact, to do good; to protect the health of their patients; (interestingly, and perhaps key for us as ME patients, they are expected to make the care of their patients come first, above and beyond the needs of the Trust, NHS, or society!!); to keep their own professional knowledge up to date; to respect the dignity of patients, politely & considerately. To be open, honest, and to act with integrity; to never discriminate, and so much more. I just have to wonder why, how they would then think it ok to treat us the way they do, just because of their personal feelings, or because of what the NHS's stance is on that patient's specific diagnosis? How, in the case of my own doctor at least, can she genuinely not see that she is in fact being neglectful?? Because despite the fact that she has been making some efforts to improve things, the care I'm given still doesn't even barely reach that which a person this ill with most other diseases would receive.

How is it, in fact, that in our society, different diseases are somehow given different status. 'The Big C' of course is given the most respect, patients awarded as much care as humanly possible (in the majority of cases, at least - there are always sad exceptions) - M.E. is awarded the very special status of having the least respect, to my knowledge. It's victims are actually made the laughing stock of the medical community and the media. Illness just isn't simply illness anymore!


Professor Wessely has many times now made the case in the media that ME patients refuse to accept the psychiatric model of ME because we're scared of the stigma of mental illness. What a joke! I face stigma every day worse than that of someone with a mental illness, because as well as being viewed as just a label, treated with disrespect & ignorance, I am also treated as though my illness in fact doesn't even exist. (Which would not be true even if ME was a psychiatric disorder, since that by definition IS real!) My physical symptoms and disability are downplayed, ignored or disregarded, often completely disbelieved. Everything I say, do, believe, and am, is up for grabs for doctors to pounce upon as a reason why I am not as important as a patient with a real illness and why what I say about my illness, body & life can't be true. I've spent the last 15 years being neglected in a very real way, given little or no treatment, even where tests have proven some physical problem. I am not even given the majority of the tests and treatments recommended by international specialists for my very real illness. In essence I am just left to rot, along with everyone else with this diagnosis. And this isn't just my experience! Hundreds of thousands of ME patients in the UK have had this kind of experience, or much, much worse. Millions worldwide are little better off.

I truely believe that I would have a much, much easier time accepting a diagnosis of depression, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc than I do dealing with what ME has done to me, to my life, and to the lives of my loved ones. I know many people still hold a stigma against things and people they don't understand and this makes life often really, really difficult for people with psychiatric disorders, and I don't want for a minute to downplay the agony many of those people face! - But I'm a nurse and I personally have no issue with people who are mentally ill - I find them in main very brave survivors! I refuse to stigmatise them for what is real illness. They're all human beings just like me and you - none of us perfect in any sense of the word. So the question remains: why should I be afraid to be part of that group? The truth is, I'm genuinely not any more scared of that than I would be of developing any other illness I might experience in my life! That's not to say that it wouldn't be scary and very hard indeed at times or that I wouldn't have to face stigma if I was in that position - of course it would be, and I would - but it's my opinion that it's harder in this current society to have a diagnosis of M.E. than it would be to have been diagnosed with the majority of mental illnesses, both because of the stigma, and because of the illness itself and the destruction it's wrought on my life.


What I do take issue with, what I am afraid of, is my reality of having a real, proveable, disabling physical illness (which cannot even begin to be explained by Wessely's definition of ME as an 'illness belief') be ignored and left untreated. Illness beliefs do not cause tachycardia's, palpitations, blood pressure imbalances, fainting, weird and wonderful blood test results, limbs that go literally blue when you are merely sitting, paralysis, temperature & sleep disorders, sensory overload, severe chronic pain, body clock reversal, and all the other things I, and many other severe ME patients have going on. (I personally have a scary list of symptoms several pages long, which probably makes me look like I'm completely mad when I hand it to a doctor, lol!)

photo by ValetheKid	via PhotoRee

Illness beliefs don't cause people to become literally bedbound, struggling even to go to the bathroom a couple of times a day - never mind to only be physically able to have a shower once a week!!! (If you've never tried it, don't bother - it sucks as much as you might think it would, and worse!!) They wouldn't cause tens of thousands of people, in this country alone, to lose their careers, social lives, personal hygiene, healthy bank balances, their homes, friends, and sometimes even their families. They sure don't make you choose to endure the degradation & humiliation that comes with needing personal care such as help having a bath, or someone having to cut your food up before meals, or even to have their carer's need to feed it to them like a young child!! In addition, I take issue with the fact that these doctors, treating us so neglectfully, or downright mistreating us, all swore an oath to do no harm!!! That is the most important vow a doctor takes, yet the one most ignored when treating patients with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis!!

It's a very, very rare psychiatric illness that could cause such enforced human misery in a person and such a terrible quality of life for it's sufferers - and moreso, I simply don't believe that an ilness belief could cause that suffering on the scale of what we are seeing with cases of Severe ME, where 25% of people with this diagnosis are housebound or bedbound, often for years or decades at a time!! What's more, it makes no sense that those people all would be struck down by an illness which follows such an extremely similar pattern (usually despite a previous lack of knowledge about ME on the part of the patient), and in fact has often occured in clusters! To my mind, there are so many obvious points that make it absolutely inconcievable that this illness could be concocted in our minds somehow. This many people (hundred's of thousands in the UK alone, of all ages!!) would not choose to live in such conditions, if they had any choice in the matter - especially people who in previous lives pushed themselves regularly to their limits, fully enjoying their life, freedom, & health.


So no, Professor Wessely, I am not afraid to accept the stigma of having a mental illness. I'm simply afraid (not to mention disgusted) that the environment you helped to create in this country (and beyond!) is neglecting & mistreating people on such a massive scale. I'm angry that one group of doctors, headed by one man has changed public perception to see only their personal opinions, despite the fact that they are not backed up by international science/research. I'm angry that the majority of journalists reporting on M.E. seem only interested in catchy headlines, not truth. And I'm angry that I am one of those forgotten, abandoned, invisible people & that I cannot even enjoy the most basic of beauties, such as the sun, trapped in these four walls with dimmed light, as I am. I'm frustrated that for 15 years, I've had so little real medical support that I now have to do all the research into my condition myself, despite the consequences for my health, because there is no doctor specialised enough, or willing enough, in my area to do it for me - few, in fact, in the whole of the UK. And quite honestly, I'm terribly afraid that these situations & prejudices will not soon change for us, no matter how hard we fight them, as they are deeply ingrained in the public mind, thanks to your media tinkerings! I just wish you and those who agree with you would try to understand that unless you have walked a mile in our shoes, (or in my case, simply stand up, still, for a few minutes - that'd be plenty to show you how bad it gets!!) then you can't possibly understand just how real and destructive this disease really is - though truthfully, I wouldn't wish even those few minutes of this disease on even you, Professor Wessely - No-one deserves this!!!!

If you're reading this and all you know about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is what you've read in the media, please find out more from reliable sources! Until you've really educated yourself, you can't take the word of a journalist or even a doctor as truth! So don't judge us based on what you read in the papers - after all, you never know when you might find yourself walking in our shoes too, and I'm certain that if you did contract M.E., you wouldn't want to be judged like that either!!

There are many links in my sidebar to great sites & books about M.E. that will help you to understand what it really is, and how it affects the people living with it. I particularly recommend the book Lost Voices which tells the story of many ME sufferers and their families in a really easy to read format. There are also many wonderful people in the ME community who would be willing to talk with you. I know I would love to help you really understand! Once you've read up, then speak out for us too. Educate your friends and family! It's only by us all working together, sick & well alike, to end this stigma and medical ignorance, that things can ever change! Thank you so much!! :)

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

Scared of the Stigma of Being Mentally Ill...??

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So I'm a Malingerer, huh?? Warning, bit of a Rant Ahead!!

With all the media rubbish about 'ME/CFS' that's intensified over the last couple of weeks - not to mention the recent changes to the UK benefits system which are going to make things much harder for those with Neurological ME, I've found that quite a lot of frustration has come to the surface which I usually try to keep more or less buried because it takes too much energy to deal with all the emotions.

Something I really hate is that so many people, particularly in the UK, see M.E. as some kind of 'malingerers disease', where we enjoy sitting around being lazy each day, living the high life, never having to bother with work because of our state benefits!! And well, you can't blame them, in some ways, because that impression has been thrown out into the world at every opportunity, through the media, medical schools, psychiatric research projects, and the opinions of the benefit agencies & insurance companies - not to mention the chronic over-diagnosing of this illness, where people who are not neurologically ill are given a diagnosis of ME, (Or rather, ME/CFS) when they are actually burnt-out, depressed, or in some other kind of fatigue state. But the truth of the matter is that those beliefs expose an inherent ignorance about what life is actually like for those of us with severe ME.

I've spent the last 15 years hiding as much of this illness & it's affects as is humanly possible from the people around me, out of shame and fear. It shouldn't have to be that way. We sure wouldn't expect someone with Cancer or Aids to feel they have to do so, right? And I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to get used to being more honest about what I'm going through instead of pasting on a smile and pretending I'm fine while you're here ... then crashing the moment you walk out the door!


I've had M.E. for 15 years now, & I don't think I could even begin to explain the utterly devastating affect this illness has had on my life. I lost a career that I loved. (nursing in a NICU unit, which I fought to keep pursuing for 8 years after I first became ill, despite extreme exhaustion & pain - I certainly don't think that is representative of a person who is looking for an excuse to not work.) I lost the ability to have stable & secure finances; the chance to find a partner who loves me, settle down, and have a family; a whole host of friends who couldn't cope with my complicated situation; my house - as disability benefits (benefits that I actually had to go to tribunal to get, because the doctor who 'examined' me didn't believe in M.E) didn't bring in even near enough money to cover my mortgage (At age 34, I now live in one room of my parents house - a high life indeed!); I've also lost the entire last 7 years of my life (for which time I have been housebound, very often bedbound. For the whole of the past year, I've been unable to even sit up in bed for more than a few minutes at a time - and even that causes pain & extreme fatigue afterwards.); My social life; The ability to walk my two dogs who I love more than life itself; and the right to live with dignity and respect are all gone now too - & that's only the things I can think of off the top of my head!

If one of those people who believes I'm just a malingerer could spend just one week living my life, there's no question in my mind that they would change their position.

Right now, about the only contact I have with the world around me is either through my carer, or on the internet. (I count myself lucky to have that ability as there have been many times over the years when even that was impossible!) Believe it or not, I found out a couple of days ago, on facebook, that my father (Whose house I live in) is making the move to self-employment. I barely see him for a few minutes a week - and the result is that I have no idea what's happening in the lives of my loved ones.

If I manage to go to the bathroom more than twice in a day, then that's a very, very good day. Two times a day is normal - and even that is a battle! I fight with my own body to have a shower once a week. It often takes me up to 2 hours because the crushing fatigue is so disabling that I have to rest every few minutes even using a shower chair ... but I'm too stubborn, proud, and guilt-ridden to ask for help. (though there have been periods in the last few years when I've had no choice but to have my carer help me bathe - Trust me, that is NOT something I would have put up with if I could simply make myself well again with exercise, diet, therapy, anti-depressants, etc etc etc!!!) I'm then wiped out for 2-3 days afterwards. I can't remember the last time I wore make-up regularly, I haven't had a proper haircut in years ... we just take a pair of scissors to my pony tail when it's getting annoyingly long.

Speaking of guilt, that's something else you wouldn't want to live with. My best friend before I became severely ill, has now been caring for me for the last 7 years. She's amazing and I literally couldn't survive without her, but I live every day with the guilt of the burden I'm placing on her. Worse, she's now developed post-viral-syndrome herself, & I can't help but be worried that she may have picked some viral trigger up from me. In addition, since my carer has been so ill, my 60yr old mother has had to start helping out with my laundry, and other jobs, only a few years after she herself became ill with Multiple Myeloma. The pain of all that guilt sometimes feels almost unbearable, like a physical weight on me!

I live everyday in pain, rationing my painkillers as well as I can because I hate taking them. (Another guilt to live with!) Dull pain, Sharp pain, numb, buzzing, urgent, weighted, spasms, migraines - the list goes on!) Sometimes my pain is so extreme that even wearing clothes or the weight of my (lightweight!) blanket on me is too much. I struggle to spend even a few minutes talking with a family member, and crash right afterwards. Light hurts my eyes. Noise hurts my brain. Both send me into a state of overload where it feels like I'm being interrogated! I have blood pressure drops when I stand (or even sit) that make me feel like all the energy is draining right out of my feet. Intense adrenaline rushes, followed by huge crashes. Palpitations. Crazy sweating - as though I have a bad fever only I don't. Insomnia, hypersomnia, (Oh, the irony!!!) sleep cycle reversal. Actually I have a list of symptoms so ridiculously long, (I haven't even got close to naming them all here!) that I felt stupid when I recently presented it to my doctor - who basically had no idea just how bad things are for me as I can rarely make it to the surgery, and she's unable to do home visits. (& this is one of the best doctors I've had since I became severely ill.)

At my worst over the last 7 years, I've had years where the vast majority of my time has had to be spent in a darkened, quiet room, staring at the wall. I've had months where on my worst days, I would be paralysed for hours at a time, not even able to lift my finger, never mind reach out and take a glass of water to drink.

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My neuro symptoms drive me insane. (Haha!) I swear my iq has dropped 50% since I got sick. I can't remember things, (including both old and new memories) I can't recall words, or I come out with the wrong one. (That of course is providing I can actually find the energy to speak at all) I have brain fog so severe at times that I trip over my words and certainly can't make my mind focus on something I want to do, no matter how important it might be. I can't fill in a form by myself. I can't make my mind up about anything. I have problems hearing speech, or the tv, not to mention making my mind understand what's being said. I constantly zone out. A simple conversation with my best friend is exhausting and after a few minutes I just can't concentrate anymore, and my body starts to feel the post-exertional malaise - cos yes, even mental activity can set that off! (The brain is a muscle, after all, which requires energy to function!)

On top of all that, there's been loneliness, grief, sadness, anger, the inability to attend funerals and weddings, or important family events, Christmas days spent in bed. And the stigma, judgement & ignorance of people who don't understand (& aren't willing to try because of all the negative media about M.E.), not to mention medical care that can barely be called care. It's more than enough to boot you in the chest when you're really down. This illness just eats away at you, your life, & your coping abilities. It destroys family life. It damages your sense of self and worth. It takes away the liberty to be the person you feel really are.



How can anyone who's never lived with M.E. ever really understand what a price we pay to live this 'high life'??

Nobody chooses to live this way. It's forced upon us - and we have to learn to deal with it. The only other option is unthinkable - and we fight that option along with all the other fights, for the sake of the people who love us - and because we really do want to find enjoyment & happiness in our lives.

I just wish that the people spinning ME as a psychiatric illness would stop and listen for a moment. Choose to care about us as individuals and realise that something much more is going on here.

Why doesn't medicine learn from past mistakes. Parkinsons, MS, Aids, Epilepsy - so many illnesses, all treated with disbelief, prejudice, and cruelty, & labelled without scientific proof as hysteria, depression, hypochondria, etc. Those previous beliefs were proved to not only be wrong, and unjust - but also stupid and dangerous because so many people died before the medics and governments started to pay proper attention - not to mention the millions of lives which were wrecked in the process.

ME patients are talked about in the media and amongst medical circles as 'radicalised' conspiracy theorists, which I find highly offensive - but really, why would anyone be surprised by how strongly we feel about this and how hard we're willing to fight to create change??!!?? We're desperate. It's that simple. I've been living with ME for 15 years, and in that time, nothing has really changed - the same old stuff is happening over and again. I'm not radicalised, I don't send 'hate mail' or bomb cars, for heavens sake. I just don't agree with anyone who says that my illness is all in my head, and I'm willing to say so.

And that's my epic rant complete. (Sorry about the crazy length!!) All I can do now is try to move on, to pick up the pieces all over again and deal with the emotional fallout of this latest injustice ... and remind myself that change will come! Facts & evidence will eventually appear that are absolutely irrefutable, like they have for other illnesses before ours, and action will have to be taken.

What have your greatest losses been over the course of your illness?

I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)

So I'm a Malingerer, huh?? Warning, bit of a Rant Ahead!!

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