Showing posts with label domestic abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic abuse. Show all posts

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Challenges Ahead!!

Yikes!!! A whole month since my last blog! No apologies - that would be too much of a cliché, ha! Just an explanation ....! The gynaecology appointment a month ago really took it out of me, and between the affects of that, and the need to rest up because I had the cardiology appointment coming up too, I had little choice but to stay more or less offline. I've now had my first cardio appointment, which went ok, I think - but again, the after affects haven't been very nice. My eyes / light intolerance have stepped up a notch and I'm having to wear a mask for at least several hours a day, and the rest of the time I spend in dimmed lighting. My pain levels are pretty bad too, and now not only do my feet go grey and blue when I'm upright, but my legs go grey right up to half way up my thigh!! Kind of scary to be honest. I've really wanted to update you guys on how things are going, so I'm basically going to post the note I posted on Facebook after my appointment, with some additions I've been working on a little at a time ever since. Sorry, no pretty pictures today, and apologies in advance for all the long sentences! I'm just too tired to make it read more easily.


Ok, so - here's the story....


I saw the registrar (the consultant was really ill with a virus he didn't want to give me, so he just popped in to intro himself then left it to the reg to do the work, lol. I thought that was quite nice of him to be honest. Both the doctors and the nurse who sat in were really lovely, so that helped an awful lot with my nerves! I was so worried that my M.E. diagnosis would cause them to not hear anything I had to say without prejudice. I can't be sure, but I think maybe it was ok - the registrar said that he had a friend with M.E. so maybe that went in my favour!?!

Unfortunately the clinic didn't give me somewhere to lie down when I got there, and I was dumped in a busy waiting room with noise and lights and craziness. Not a good start. I was sitting for so long that by the time they took my blood pressure and pulse, they'd sort of plateaued out and weren't too bad (I don't know about others with Orthostatic Intolerance, but after a couple of hours my blood pressure seems to adapt, though the blood pooling is often still there) and there isn't time in one short appointment to keep me standing for longer than a couple of minutes to take readings. He seemed to take my own recordings at face value though. (he could easily have decided i was either mad or a faker, so...!)

The outcome of the appointment was that he's ordering a tilt table test (Which I'm honestly seriously scared of even though I know it has to be done. It's not just the physical strain of it, but also, I think it's going to be quite triggering being strapped to a table with little or no control - brings up some abuse issues. Blah!) and a 24 hour holter monitoring. Not sure when those will be done - but he's not left me with nothing in the meantime. He's prescribed insane amounts of sodium chloride (Sustained release tablets, 600mg, TWO tablets FOUR x a day - yikes! - Apart from anything else, how on earth will I remember that/fit it in??!!!?? Lol, I can barely remember to take meds 3 times a day, and that's with multiple alarms set on my phone, without which I'd be screwed!!) and said to continue drinking a minimum of 3L of water per day. It's a really high dose of salt that they've prescribed, but because I know it can be tough on your body, I decided to stagger it, starting on a lower dose and gradually increasing. I'm relieved they wanted to start some treatment straight away though, (and I know salt is basically the first line treatment in many clinics, so I was prepared for that) because knowing the NHS it may take a while to get the tilt table sorted. I suppose there's even a chance I could have improved a fair bit by the time I get it. I guess that would be a little annoying because if the tilt table test shows nothing interesting, can they even diagnose me??? But then, that would mean the treatment is working, and I guess that's the most important thing anyway, right? Hey - a girl can hope! ;)


The aftermath hasn't been pleasant, as I said ... and I think it's been worse than after my gynae appointment (not surprising considering a) I was looked after better at that clinic, put somewhere quiet and dark to lie down while I was waiting, and b) I had been still recovering from the first appointment!) but I do feel relieved to have finally seen a cardiologist - sheesh, it's taken long enough!!!!!!!! (I've only been having these symptoms in varying severities for 15 years HA!)

The next few months are going to continue to be challenging, to say the least. I have another gynae appointment this month. My Disability Living Allowance re-assessment forms have arrived, sigh, so I'm going to have to have appointments with an advocate to fill in the forms - and unfortunately the one I normally see has just gone onto maternity leave so I have to be re-referred and have a new advocate assigned! (Mind you, I'm lucky the department is there at all, because last time I saw my advocate, their budget had been cut significantly and she was concerned they couldn't last much longer!) I'm pretty scared about the assessment, because it's hard enough to get through it even without the major shake up going on with the benefits system right now - huge amounts of people are being denied benefits on reassessment, and if I get the wrong assessor, or medic, I could be seriously stuffed!! I have zero trust in the system now, let alone the people actually working within it!

Then we're still fighting social services to try to get direct payments (to pay for Anna to care for me) - they're on the verge of making the crappy decision that I don't need Anna in particular to care for me, and because she lives in the same house, they will only give me money to get an agency carer - which would cause me more harm than good! My GP isn't helping my cause - my social worker has repeatedly contacted the surgery asking for information from her on my condition and how it affects me, but she hasn't bothered to reply!! (And this on top of the fact that she still hasn't organised the vitamin d regime or any of the countless other outstanding things - and we can't even get through to the local patient advocacy office on the phone!) Then of course there'll be the tilt table test at some point, and a cardio appointment on the 20th December, which basically sucks because Christmas is going to be a write off for me after that. Last year I barely made it through a few hours with family and the after affects were awful! An appointment right before that .... I'm not even sure if I'll cope with dinner with my family.


Frustrating!


I feel so overwhelmed by all this happening in such a short space of time, and I have no idea right now how I'm going to cope with it all. But really, I have no choice but to cope, so I'm just trying to take it literally one day at a time. I'll try to keep posting as and when I can - though that's going to be further complicated because I have to send my laptop back to the company I bought it from because it's all but died. I should be able to borrow my mum's sometimes but it's just that extra step that'll make it harder to get online. I just hope it can be sorted swiftly!!


I'd love it if any of you guys who haven't yet joined me on facebook would connect with me there too - that way I can keep in touch a little easier - just click the link on the right sidebar & send me a friend request with a note letting me know you came in through my blog. :)

I hope you're all doing ok - I've missed spending time with you all! xxx


Reader question about postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome treatments

Reader Question for People With POTS :

Which treatments have worked for you,
and which haven't??


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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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Thursday, 4 August 2011

Adjusting The Sails

( Updated and Extended, on August 14th )



Image of Pen & Paper / Journal by Athena - View her Flickr stream here!
I'm lying here feeling .... welll, honestly, I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I'm fairly sure that this post is going to be somewhat of  a rant ... a gush of feelings that have been brewing inside me for so long, I feel like I'm going to go mad if I don't get them out. I just have to write!!!

Sometimes it's really difficult to figure out what it is that I'm feeling!!! Everything gets so overwhelming, and it makes it hard to process things, and to pick out & identify individual emotions.

 My whole body is pulsing with twitches, spasms, buzzing & a sort of pulsing - and I've spent most of the last few hours barely able to move. Barely able to even think, through the pulsing.

I feel that I'm a really gloomy person when I feel, and especially when I post, like this. I'm very aware that I need to find the peace and the joy that comes with finding something to hope on once again... but its alluding me right now. I'm not depressed I don't think - not any more than anyone dealing with my kind of life and situation wuld be. But I am really overwhelmed right now - there's just too much happening all at once. New scary symptoms, flare ups, stuff going wrong at home, the issues (ongoing) with my doctor, who still hasn't delivered on promises ... and now various appointments to sort out and to somehow find a way to get through without ending up in a full blown relapse. On top of that we found a lump on my beautiful dog Jessa, yesterday, so she has to go to the vets (without me!!) today. :( I can't even do that, and it makes me feel so useless!!! To be honest, (big tough me is about to admit that ...) I'm scared, and I feel small and once again,  on a running theme, invisible. Nothing seems to be going right, or easily. (Gosh I have so much to tell you guys and I don't even know where to start! I can't do it now anyway. I'm surprised i've been able to keep writing for this long!)

I'm feeling so frustrated with myself, too. So utterly useless. I can't manage to do any of the million and one things that need doing... and unless you've been there, no-one can know just how hard that actually is. Lying in bed all day is not all it's cracked up to be!! I really, really hate watching Anna (my carer) struggle to do things for me, and I can't even help. I feel like a waste of space too much of the time.

You know what I hate about M.E.?? I hate that you can never fully adjust to it.
You can never get used to it, because suddenly, bam!!!! something else, some new symptom, changed intensity, or new disability hits you full in the face, and you have to statrt adjusting and coping all over again. 

Blowing Away by Jon McGovern
On top of all that, yesterday I had a full on, in my face, flashback of my ex husband attacking me. (I'm a survivor of domestic abuse, for those of you new to this blog) Just what I needed to get through the day, huh? Honestly, I thought I'd pretty much got over what he'd done to me, and all the fallout from the years of abuse, and other people's reactions to it - but this flashback was pretty intense and afterwards I felt broken. Heartbroken. That was the man I had loved, but he used me and he hurt me. So on top of being overwhelmed, scared, and everything else - now added to the mix is a grief so massive that I feel like I'm breaking into tiny pieces and being flung to the wind. All over again!

Recently it seems like I keep putting my hope in things, trying to find someone or something that can help ... but my hope gets hit every time and then the only things to do are either give in to depression and panic, (which I'm simply not willing to do!) or find something new to hope into. But I know I'm strong enough to get through all this - and whatever else life throws at me. I have up until now! Afterall, I have Anna, my best friend in the whole world, fighting my corner and caring for me instead of going off to live her own dreams. I have some amazing online friends, who have got me through so much over the years! I have my dogs. And a family who loves me even though they don't really understand and can't really deal with it all. And I have the online ME community, which is also making such a difference in my life. Perhaps those things are the only hope I need right now, they're sure strong enough positive's .... afterall, there are so many people out there going through so much more than this. And well, because of the people 'around me', at least I'm now standing up (well, not literally, HA ... ooh, the irony of that statement!) and trying to get the help I so desperately need, and deserve!!!!!!


◦ - - ღ - - - Because I do deserve it. We all do!!!!! - - - ღ - - ◦


And on that note, albeit it something I know in my head but not yet my heart, I'll end this post!


We Cannot Direct The Wind But We Can Adjust The Sails


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Note : Sorry about all the mess of this post. I'll try to edit out all the typo's etc, tidy it up, maybe add pics, and tag it etc, tomorrow .... somehow i just needed to get this out... though i feel i've done a very poor and very short job of expressing myself.

I think I just needed to speak, to vent as many of the things that are
splintering me, crack by slow crack, as possible .....
for my feelings to not be so invisible as I myself have begun to feel!!


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Update : 14th August

Thank God, Jessa is ok! The vet found quite a lot of lumps actually - but they are, as I was hoping, just fatty lumps, which she's had a couple of times before. He doesn't even want to bother removing them right now, and won't, unless they get bigger or start to bother her in some way. So that was a huge relief for us!! :) :) :)

We had my other dog, Kiya, checked out at the same time, and ironically, the story there was more worrying. A while ago, a different vet at the practice found a lump on her liver. Kiya's starting to get old now, and has a lot of really severe skin and immune problems, so we decided (on the info the vet gave us) not to bother doing anything to get it further checked out, because I wouldn't want to put her through any intense treatments as she is going through enough already. However, the vet we saw this week (One of the practice owners) checked the lump for us, and he thinks that it's on her spleen, not her liver. He can't be sure till we get a scan, which we're doing next week - but if it is on her spleen, it would be a fairly simple operation to remove her spleen. A completely different scenario to it being on her liver!!!!

Jessa, my West Highland White Terrier (who I have had since she was a puppy), in 2009
Jessa, on a walk with me & Anna, on a rare holiday to Scotland in 2009

Kiya, my rescue Westie, in 2010
Kiya, curled up behind my knee - she loves to be close to us! In 2010


I'm pretty mad with the vet we saw initially, as this issue could have been sorted months ago ... but then at the same time, I'm so glad that he was probably wrong, because this means that Kiya's life will probably be much longer than I was thinking! Guess we'll have more information after she's had her scan next week. It means a general anaesthetic, (which is always very stressful and worrying for me, because of the risks) but hopefully it'll be worth it - and my dogs usually come out looking less harried than I do, rofl!


I've finally got to adding pictures to this post, and getting rid of all the typo's (sheesh there were a lot!!) - I had hoped to do it the day after I wrote this post, but I've been really struggling to get online, and my cognitive functions have been pretty poor, so that just wasn't gonna happen. Ah well, got there in the end!! :)


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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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Thursday, 14 April 2011

Guest Post: Things Social Workers Investigating Possible Abuse Need to Know

Hi everyone :) Susannah invited me to post my latest blog post on her blog as a guest author.  I'm a fairly new blogger, writing about dealing with the effects of childhood abuse, and trying to raise awareness and speak up for those who can't speak for themselves.  If you'd like to read more of my posts, feel free to check out my blog: All The King's Horses. 

I hope you find this post helpful!

Puzzled Hat x
____________


I read an article on the BBC news site yesterday and it made me really angry. It's a piece about how intervening adults don't listen carefully enough to children they are concerned about.  Nor do they pay enough attention to the concerns voiced by other adults about those children. There is so much emphasis on supporting the parents that the voices that need to be heard are often sidelined... and that is just not okay. 

I understand the need to provide help to the parents or guardians of the children about whom concerns have been raised, but surely it is more important to listen to the needs of the child?  When I was growing up, a number of people contacted Social Services because they were concerned about the welfare of my siblings and I.  I'm not sure who exactly reported things, or what was said (except in one case where a family member raised their concerns)... but nobody ever did anything to help... nobody ever listened. I still feel hurt by that today.

The thing is, people investigating possible child abuse/neglect cases need to listen much more carefully and not just listen with their ears. Every time a social worker came to our house, I begged silently with all of my heart that they would 'hear' my voice and that they would help us. But my voice was truly silent to them.  I tried to tell them in other ways. They didn't hear.  There are a few things that social workers and other investigating forces really, really need to know and understand...


1. An abused child is NOT going to tell you flat-out that they're being abused.  

Silence - an abused child is not going to tell you flat-out that they're being abused

There are several reasons for this. The most obvious being they've been told never to tell ...and the fear of what will be done to them or the people they love if they do is more than enough to keep their lips sealed.  Kids aren't stupid. Telling something without a guarantee that they'll be safe after telling is a really, really bad idea. 


2. The 'family' you see when you visit is very possibly a total act. 

Fake family - The family you see when you visit is very possibly a total act

In an abusive family, there are unspoken and spoken rules that require its members to behave in certain ways in order to present a 'normal' front. But please, use your eyes! When social workers visited my house, everything on the inside of me was screaming for them to see beneath the surface.  Watch the subtle reactions of the children and the adults in that house when they act out their interactions. Please, please don't just listen to the obvious communications.  Please don't assume that if a parent is appearing to be affectionate, that all is well. Look for signs of repulsion underneath the smiles.  Look for well hidden flinching.  Check for the looks,  body language and cues between family members and trust your gut.


3. Talking to family members together and expecting to hear the truth is foolish. 

If you talk to family members together, the kids won't feel free to speak the truth

The dynamics of an abusive family are incredibly complex and if you think that discussing things all together is going to give you the information you need, you're wrong. Be assured that every move the abused person/people in that family make will be heavily under guard of the abuser(s).  An abused child cannot tell you what is happening when they know they are being closely watched by the one hurting them.  Even if you separate the children from the adults and try to speak to them that way, it's not likely to work. The family dynamics are far too powerful, even if you have just two family members together.  Do not underestimate the power that the presence of another family member can have.


4. Don't expect all the children in the household to be in the same situation.

Odd one out - remember not all the children might be treated the same by the parents

I remember one time a social worker tried to get me and my siblings to tell them what was happening, through drawing pictures on a big piece of paper all together. I can tell you now, if you'd have done that with me on my own away from my siblings, you'd have seen something very different.  There were things being done to me that I was trying to protect them from knowing.  There were things done to me that weren't done to all of them because they were 'good' and I was different. They knew that and even they were monitoring what I 'said' or drew. Even with my parents out of the room, I was not safe or free to say what my insides were screaming. Please, speak to the children individually.  I cannot stress enough how much of a difference that might make!!


5. Be aware of the consequences of your visit.

Your visit will have consequences for the children and they might be holding on in the hope you'll return to help

Every time a social worker or other investigator visits an abusive home, there will be consequences for the abused.  The very fact that you are there, means that someone said something.  It doesn't matter if it was the person being abused or not, the abuser(s) will assume it was ...or that the abused child was somehow careless at covering things up.  There will be consequences. Please, don't just file away your report and forget about the case, even if you didn't manage to get enough evidence to take action. Please check on the child... even if it's away from the home. If you don't, they'll feel like you're someone who just came  and made things worse and didn't care enough to come back. 


6. Little things can make a difference. 

little caring acts can make a huge difference for the child


There was only one social worker who visited, who came back. She didn't take any action but I get the feeling that she suspected something. After her first visit, I wanted to die. Literally. The consequences were bad and I felt as though no-one would ever hear my silent cries for help.  I felt abandoned and ready to give up. Even though that social worker obviously didn't get the evidence she needed to take action (and I could tell you exactly why she didn't), she came back one last time to give me a teddy bear. She probably will never realise the difference that made. Okay so it didn't stop the abuse.  It didn't get me out of there. It didn't make the pain go away.  But for a child who was at the point of wanting to just curl up and die, it was a flicker of hope. A simple act that said "I care". It was one of the only things that ever said to me that someone might have noticed something.

Look for non-verbal communication

Finally, please remember that children are not stupid.  They need to know what's going on.  If they're anything like I was, they want to be prepared for what's coming next and to do that they need information.  Explain what's happened and what's going to happen.  Don't just leave them and move onto your next case. Tell them if you're going to come back or not. They might be holding on in the hope that you'll come back and rescue them.  I know I did... but no-one came. No-one heard.  No-one made it stop.

I wasn't able to speak then, but I am speaking now... and I hope that my voice will speak for the children who can't speak for themselves today.


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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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Sunday, 10 April 2011

Creating a strong network for survivors of abuse on Twitter at #5petals

Over the last few weeks my health has hit some pitfalls, probably caused by having to deal with home visits from dentists then going out to the surgery. As you know, my insomnia has been causing me problems again, and the night sweats are back with a vengeance ... and now a chest infection has taken hold - I have asthma so that's not great - plus I'm struggling with side affects from the antibiotics I'm on to combat the infection. All adds up to me being a miserable girl right now!

Except that oddly, I'm not. Actually, for the most part, I'm feeling kind of happy right now because despite all I've got going on, I've managed to achieve something over that time. I probably pushed myself too hard to do it - but there are some things that are just so worth it!

Though my blogs have been mostly about ME since I began writing here, I'm also a survivor of abuse, and (as much as I'm able to be, given my fairly drastic physical limitations), an abuse activist and supporter of other survivors.

11 years ago, I founded an online support group for survivors of abuse, at a time when there wasn't really any positive places online for survivors to go. I was in an abusive marriage, and I guess began the forum as much for me as for the members we hoped to bring in. Somewhat surprisingly and amazingly, that support forum has continued to thrive over the last 11 years, and is still going strong today! We've had our up's and downs as a forum, but the up's have always been more than the downs, and CS is still a really amazing place to be! We have many loyal staff, some who have been with us almost from the very beginning (!) and many wonderful members! :)

The first time I became bedbound, I had to give up being frontline staff on our forum. I just wasn't able to give our staff and members the kind of consistency & stability they needed - and it was simply too much for me personally. That loss is one of the things I've most grieved for over the years. My role now is much more in the background. I handle the finances, oversee the staff, help determine the direction the community forum goes in, and work on the backend of things in terms of the forum software and website. Basically the jobs that need doing but don't necessarily need to be done on any time scale - so I can fit things in as and when my body lets me. The staff team there have been really amazing at running the forum in my absence and also so supportive of me during these years - though it hasn't always been easy, going from working alongside each other many hours every day - to me popping in and out of things like a yo-yo!

Christian Survivors (CS), our community, was 11 years old this week. What an amazing milestone for an online group! It's one of the things I am most proud of in my life, bringing that group to life and seeing how wonderfully it has sprouted wings and flown - seeing how many people it's touched over the years, and how many lives have been improved by it being there! We cater to survivors of every type of abuse, and have members of any and all faiths and beliefs. This year is bringing lots of changes, as our staff are working on moving to a brand new forum software - our first such move in many, many years - and bringing in some new functionality for the forum, and newq goals for our organisation.

To mark the milestone, myself and my best friend & carer, Jo, who is also a staff member at CS, have been working on a couple of new things to launch there ... and I've managed to get an astounding amount of work done over the last few weeks despite all the up's and down's with my own health! I'm pretty much in crash mode now, lol, and will have to take a complete break for a couple of weeks to let my body calm back down - but it's just so good to actually achieve something!! So worth the push!!

The 5 Petals: Hope, Healing, Friendship, Speaking Out, & Safety! If you're a survivor, or an abuse activist or support agency, please join us on Twitter at #5petalsWhat we've launched this week is a brand new project, based on our organisations' logo (an almond blossom with 5 petals). We've had a brand new version of our logo painted & designed to go along with the project, because we're using the image of the flower to sum up the 5 most important things about CS, & those we believe to be most important for survivors of abuse : Hope, Healing, Friendship, Safety, & Hope. The project we're launching is something we'll be using hopefully many times over the years, to give the survivor community a focus through things such as art projects we can work on together.

Join CS on twitter to network with other survivors & share resources @SurvivorOasisAlong with this, we've launched a Twitter account for our organisation, which we hope to use to reach many survivors, and to network with other similar organisations. As the first & probably the most longterm 5 Petals project, we want to try to help provide a stronger network for survivors & survivor support agencies on Twitter. There are quite a few abuse hashtags on Twitter, but unfortunately most of them aren't used very well by survivors, both because they've been taken over with discussions on things like addiction recovery instead, and because many survivors simply don't know that they're there! So, we're going to be trying to start a new hashtag trend, specifically geared towards survivors and survivor issues, & also providing a place for bloggers and support organisations to network, and for activists to promote abuse issues on Twitter. In addition, CS will be regularly providing links to many great survivor resources all over the internet, including many abuse survivor blogs. If you're a survivor of abuse, or interested in promoting our cause, you can now find us at #5petals & CS's Twitter account is @SurvivorOasis. You can direct message us if you have a survivor blog or website and would like to be considered for us to promote your site.

I'm so excited about this project, though I'm aware it could take a long time and a lot of work to take off - and even more aware that we can't do it alone! If you'd consider working with us either as an individual, a blogger, or an organisation, to strengthen the survivor community on Twitter, please contact me & our team at email us - We'd love to partner with you in some way! You can help in the smallest of ways, simply by letting friends and family know about #5petals, or by officially partnering with CS to get this hashtag going! Sadly, up to 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual violence at some time in their life, and one out of every five to seven men are sexually abused by the time they reach their eighteenth birthday - so the chances are that you know at least one survivor of abuse, and probably many more.

We're running an event right now where we're asking people if they would be willing to speak out for & to abuse survivors (to help them do the same!) by switching out their twitter avatar for a while, to use one of our #5petals avatars, to change their location on Twitter to #5petals, or to add a button to their website or blog. Doing so could provide a life line for someone you know! I really do believe that we can change things for the better, one person, one act, at a time. If you'd be willing to help out, I'd be really honoured! Please feel free to grab one of the buttons below. I've provided a grab code and a one click add to blogger button, or you can simply right click and download the image to your own computer. :) You can also find different buttons and banners on our website. I'd love to know if you decide to get involved!


"Small acts, when multiplied by millions
of people, can transform the world."
Howard Zinn



Find out about the new #5petals Twitter hashtag for survivors of abuse & abuse activist & support organisations!










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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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Wednesday, 23 February 2011

There Will Never Be a More Beautiful You!

Thoughts on Negative Self Image

I was browsing the net yesterday and noticed one of those ad's for some kind of photo enhancing software, where there was a photo of a woman before and after they had manipulated the image. God it made me sad ... and so angry! In the first photo, the woman was beautiful and natural - and they'd taken that image and taken away everything that made her, her - turning the whole thing into something completely unattainable (they even removed her freckles!!), and quite honestly, nowhere near as beautiful.

What kind of a world do we live in when we're teaching our kids, not to mention ourselves, that they can never be beautiful??!!?? Where we believe that the photo's on the front of Elle or Vogue are real - that the models in the images actually look that way in real life. It teaches people lies. It teaches us (guys, not just girls!) to hate our own bodies!!

'I Won't Eat' Anorexia Nervosa
And it's not just the media to blame either. People are cruel to each other, from childhood right the way up to old age. Kids are teased, bullied, & abused at school (and even at home!) for being overweight, 'ugly', for not having the right clothes - for being different in any way, basically. Tiny kids as young as 5 or 6 are getting eating disorders because they believe people see them as fat, ugly, & disgusting - and they go on to be cruel to themselves, repeating all that same rubbish within their own minds, over and over again, for years - sometimes for a lifetime!


I've had body image issues, along with self esteem issues in general, since I was in infant school - that's kindergarten for you American's. I'm 34 now, and I still hate my body, my face, my weight, myself!!! I still don't know if what I see in the mirror is what I really look like! Schoolyard bullying started the whole thing off. For me, I was different purely because my family were Christians. I was isolated, degraded, and punished because I wasn't like the others. I was bullied in FIVE different schools, right up until age 18 - and every single one of those bullies used taunts about my physical image as an arrow straight to my heart.

Image © Christi Nielsen - Distorted Body Image

And guess what? I went on, only around 4 years later, to marry a man who didn't know how to love me, and who repeated over and again all those messages the bullies at school had sent my way - only more severely, more violently - & with an even more damaging result. I didn't even realise for a long time that the things he was doing and saying to me weren't ok, because I'd spent almost my entire life being treated like that!

This man, my husband, the man who I loved and who I thought loved me, encouraged me to take laxatives so I'd lose weight; & he often refused to have sex with me without my being hidden under a sheet, with the lights out ... and it made me feel such deep, traumatic shame about myself - I can't even describe it to you. I hated myself!! And you know, I wasn't that fat, or that 'ugly'. I had some nice features, actually. I can look back now and say, ok I wasn't a beauty queen, but I wasn't that bad - and I made a lot of effort for him - but nothing was ever enough. Because the issue wasn't with me - it was with him


I think back to that time in my life now, and I think my view of myself was so broken. (I think it still is broken, though perhaps not quite so badly.) I think societys view of me/us/you is broken. And I'm angry at myself for letting other people, and the media, tell me how to view myself - not to mention angry at them for treating me so badly. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know how to change how we view & treat each other & ourselves. I just know that I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to look in the mirror and see some ugly freak looking back at me - I just want to see me.

It's National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) in the US this week, and one of the featured organisations is Operation Beautiful, whose goal is to end negative self talk, one person & post it note at a time! They encourage women to leave encouraging notes on bathroom walls, for other women to read. When you see the huge amount of notes posted on their site, it somehow gives you faith in the human race again. So - post a note, take a photo, and send it to Operation Beautiful. You might just change someone's day, or even their life!



I'm confined to these 4 walls, so this is my post-it-note to all of you!

You are beautiful. You are unique! Don't ever tell yourself otherwise!




“We do not need to change our bodies; we need to change the rules.”
~ Naomi Wolf ~






Small addition to original post :

Please also check out this music video which I happened upon after posting this blog this morning. It's by Jonny Diaz, and it's called 'a more beautiful you' - absolutely perfect for this post!

I've had some great feedback on this post so far - just wanted to say thank you! It wasn't easy to write about some of it ... but it was well worth it! :)




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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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Thursday, 17 February 2011

Welcome to my life!


Note, April 2011
This was the first blog I ever wrote here. It was rather clumsy and didn't really say everything I wanted to say, so I re-wrote it and put it up as a page on my blog instead, once I'd had some time to get used to things! You can see the revised version by clicking on the 'My ME Story' tab at the top of my blog. :)

I'm taking comments here for the page, because comments are turned off on the pages themselves. Thanks for reading! I appreciate every single one of you!
Susannah


Hi! Welcome to my sparkly new, admittedly slightly strangly named blog. :) (see sidebar for a brief explanation)

I've been putting off posting for days now. Partly because my brain fog's been so bad, but in truth, mostly because I've been terrified of posting. Blogging is scary, lol! I feel like I have a lot in my heart that I want to say ... but whether or not it will be interesting to anyone else, only time will tell!

So, I thought I'd start by just introducing myself, and telling you a bit about me.


15 years ago I was a relatively happy nursing student, working night and day to qualify. I had friends, a life, and a purpose. I was, arguably, a workaholic - definitely type A personality, lol. I was working 5 day a week shifts, running a Sunday School at my local church, involved in lots of other projects, plus of course doing my uni work. I didn't have a spare minute to myself most days.

I was at work one day, on an Ear, Nose & Throat ward in the children's hospital, when I very suddenly started feeling very, very ill. I was trying to just finish my shift so I could find my way home on the bus and collapse in bed, thinking that I must have a chest infection or something coming on. (Those are regular occurrences in my life due to having the wonderful combination of asthma, & a crappy immune system) I remember I felt so extremely exhausted that I could hardly hold my head up. I was bending over my paperwork at the nurses desk when a nurse standing behind me uttered a startled cry and started looking all worried. Turns out I had a gland literally the size of a golf ball on the side of my neck. Lovely.

I somehow managed to get home, and spent the next several months barely leaving the bed or sofa, and just about avoiding being hospitalised, with my housemates looking after me as well as they could around their own busy lives ... slowly getting more and more behind on my university course. It was glandular fever. And believe it or not, this was the second time I'd been hit by it in my life - first having had it when I was in my mid teens, directly after a bout of chicken pox. Again, I had had chicken pox before, as a baby. Now, you're not meant to be able to get glandular fever OR chicken pox more than once in your life. Wasn't I lucky!?!

Even when I wanted to push through my symptoms and go back to work, I couldn't, because being a nurse, I couldn't return to the wards until the glandular fever had run it's course. Still, I told myself, eventually it would be gone, and I could catch up at uni, and get on with my life. It could be worse.

And eventually, my blood test came back clear, and I immediately pushed myself back into my busy uni schedule again - this time working even harder, to catch up on all the work I'd missed. To be honest, it was an awful time. I'd force myself through my lectures, with a LOT of caffeine ... then in every break, small or long, I'd literally lie down in a corner of the common room, near my friends, and fall asleep! Looking back, it was just insane to have gone back to uni in that kind of state ... but I had no idea then that doing so could trigger a permanent condition. (I'd spent my whole life, pretty much, working hard despite numerous and consistent illnesses - this wasn't any different, right?) Well, despite the struggle, I DID manage to graduate, albeit several months after the rest of my class.


Fast forward through the next few years of working as a Neonatal nurse in a highly intense ICU environment; (at first full time, then dropping to part time as my health began to deterioate and I was unable to keep up the pace), getting diagnosed with post viral syndrome, then M.E., getting married - to a man I loved very much but who turned out to be abusive both emotionally and physically (but that's another story!); & finally leaving said man ... and I was living in a rented house with a good friend - feeling like I was finally free, and could live my life the way I wanted again ... when I was suddenly struck with a really serious kidney infection, which landed me in hospital for a week.


And that's when my life fell apart all over again.


The infection finally cleared up, but between that and the stress of leaving my husband, (within a judgemental church environment) my M.E. went into a major relapse. This was, I think, somewhere between 6-7 years ago, and I haven't been capable of working a day since. (Dates are fuzzy for me because my memory problems are so extreme!!)

Since that initial relapse, I've bounced between being housebound & bedbound, being cared for by the most amazing best friend you could ever hope for, and I've had to learn that there are some things in life that you can't just push through. (No matter how much your doctors and the benefits system might like you to, lol!!) At this time, I've been completely bedbound for a year, & my pain and fatigue are so far showing no signs of letting up, not to mention a massive & rather scary list of a zillion other symptoms - most of which go completely unchecked by a doctor, since I live in the inner city and our doctors surgerys have little money or resources, and home visits are almost an impossibility. (i've had a home visit a grand total of once in the entire time I've been housebound!) My condition waxes and wanes a lot, but in the last 6 years I don't remember a single day when it's been a simple task to just leave my bed and get to a bathroom, or make a cup of tea, or well - anything at all, really! Every piece of energy I use has to be paid back in increased symptoms at some point later - like my body is demanding taxes. And all this while the world goes on around me, my friends and family moving on with their lives, building families and careers ... and me feeling stuck in one place, with an illness that isn't understood, or even believed in by many medical practitioners, never mind by the public in general. I've had to find ways to hold onto hope during some very dark times. I suppose it's become kind of a mantra to always try to find, and hang onto, the good and beautiful and hopeful things in life.

And so, I'm writing to you from my bed, just thankful that I'm able to do so - for now, anyway! I hope that this blog will be a positive place to be, and that it will reach even just one person who thinks that M.E. isn't a 'real' illness, and change their mind about it.

Thanks for listening!
Susannah



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I'd love to hear your reply and I know it'll be valued by other readers too! I always try to respond, please just be aware that it can take me some time to find the energy to do so as I've been particularly ill recently and struggling to get online. Thanks for reading! :)


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